FAQs

Q. Why did you decide to publish your mother’s letters?
A. I was always telling stories about Mom, and shortly before Mother’s Day in 2004, our priest asked me to say a few words about her at Coffee Class following the service. I decided I wanted to read excerpts from one particular letter she’d sent to me in 1995. I remembered sharing it with a small group of girlfriends. We all laughed and cried as I read, and we ended up adopting, “And for this I take vitamins!” as our mantra.

Looking for that letter, I read a lot of others. In the process I realized I had a treasure trove of wit and wisdom. I was touched, but not surprised after giving my little program at church when a number of people exclaimed, “You have to write a book!”

Q. How long did it take to complete the book?
A. I spent two years editing, re-editing, and then editing again. I asked a number of friends to read the manuscript and give me feedback. The tricky part was relaying the difficulties of Madelyn’s caregiving experience without exhausting or depressing the reader.

Q. How much was edited out?
A. About 90%.

Q. How do you think Madelyn would have felt about this book?
A. I think she would have been pleased. She often said she wished she had kept a journal. She thought her experiences could benefit others going through similar difficulties.

Q. Madelyn refers often to Unity. What is it?
A. Unity is a spiritual healing movement based in Lee Summit, MO. It has close ties to Christian Science and New Thought. It teaches the principles of Christ and the belief that salvation is available to all. Unity prints and distributes numerous publications focusing on the healing of body, mind, and spirit through prayer and right thinking.

Q. Do you think caring for your father shortened Madelyn’s life?
A. I’ve wondered about that. Research tells us, “Family caregivers experiencing extreme stress have been shown to age prematurely. This level of stress can take as much as 10 years off a family caregiver’s life.”

Source: Arno, Peter S., “Economic Value of Informal Caregiving,” presented at the Care Coordination and the Caregiving Forum, Dept. of Veterans Affairs, HNIH, Bethesday, MD, January 25-27, 2006

Madelyn was already suffering with congestive heart failure, macular degeneration, osteoporosis, and severe hearing loss when Quentin had the stroke. She had never been particularly attached to the physical world, and she said many times that she didn’t understand why people fought so hard against death. And yet she bulldozed her way through six incredibly difficult years of grueling physical and emotional work. Amazingly, she came through the experience thankful for the opportunity she’d had to grow personally and spiritually.

So one has to question whether she lived longer because she had to take care of her husband? Or did she die earlier than she would have otherwise because of the stress of caring for him? Only God knows the answer to that question.

Q. Can anything prepare a person for how excruciatingly difficult and isolated your life becomes when an illness or accident strikes and suddenly your identity as wife, husband, daughter or son changes to CAREGIVER?

A. No. But there are places and people you can turn to if it happens to you.

Q. What message do you hope people will take from the book?
A. There are a number of practical lessons:

Plan for retirement
Start early; save a lot. Money cannot buy health, but it can certainly
pay for a lot of things that will make your life more tolerable in the event of
a catastrophic illness or injury.

Don’t think you owe your children an inheritance
Sell or spend whatever is required to maintain your own health and well-being. If you choose to loan money to children, think of it as a trip to Vegas. Don’t give them more than you can afford to lose.

Buy long-term care insurance
Medicare provides very little help to people in need of long-term care.
Insurance can pay for home health care, respite care, assisted living, and
skilled nursing care.

Ask for help
There are numerous organizations dedicated to helping the terminally ill and the people who care for them. The Internet is a fabulous resource. Refer to my Caregiver’s Survival Guide for helpful websites.

Choose your attitude
There can be few jobs as difficult as providing primary care for a loved one.
Feeling angry, frustrated, cheated, sad, and depressed is commonplace and absolutely justifiable. But realize that negative emotions will impact on you physically.

Q. What’s next?
A. I will be traveling, sharing Madelyn’s story, and collecting stories of other courageous people who have found unreasonable strength and faith in the face of adversity.